Lions and Tigers and...Cows?

So here you have it. After camping in my tent along a beautiful babbling brook my first night on the trail, I awoke to an equally beautiful morning. I was eager to hit the road; so I packed my gear, said goodbye to the babbling brook, and headed into Drymen to get supplies for the day. After doing so, I retraced my steps back to the brook and to the West Highland Way. I then made my way up and over a small hill and across a huge cow field, filled with mother cows and their calves. No problem. How many other hikers had ambled over the same sunny dale without incident? Plenty I assumed. 

    I continued along the Way and as I came over the ridge I saw several calves kicking up their heels and playing and, for the most part, ignoring me. I knew I needed to be cautious. This wasn't my first rodeo. Calving season was in full swing and I knew the danger quite succinctly. I waited for the little buggers to run down the hill toward their mothers. Eventually, they all did, except for one lone straggler. No worries. I shrugged my shoulders and began to walk the rest of the way up the hill when I heard ole Straggler’s mother give a fairly sizable, “Mooooooo.” Being fully aware of the issues that could arise, I headed away from the line between point “A” the calf, and point “B,” the overly protective momma cow. "Smooth move. Well done," I said to no one in particular. All was going according to plan. Avoidance at its finest; right up until Straggler decided to run right for me. And I mean right at me. So what happens you ask? Well, I'll tell you. Momma cow, at a healthy, freight train sort of trot, does the same. 

Now listen, I'm not sure if you know this, but cows are BIG, and they are scary when they come at you at the speed of a Top Gear race car. So there I am, shitting myself, as this two-ton cow barrels down on me. I hesitated for only a second. I, with lightning-like speed, and the agility of a ballerina, bailed for a small bog that happened to be in the field behind me. So there I am, ankle-deep in a cow shit bog, being stared down by one pissed-off momma cow.

I damn near pissed myself. Now while this going, on ole Straggler there had already run off to play with his buddies. Thanks a lot, dude. After one more indignant, motherly “Mooooooo” in my direction, and a steely Clint Eastwood stink eye, momma cow ambled off and left me to my own devices. Just as I thought everything was in order, here comes another mammoth-sized cow all covered in cow shit. She walks right up to the edge of the bog and stands there just staring at me out of one dirty, eyeball. To myself, I was like, "Really? Seriously?" To her, I finally said, “Shoo. Go on now.” Yeah right. She looked at me like “Hey, F-you.” In my mind I was thinking "How on God's green earth did I find myself in the middle of this cow field, in the middle of the Scottish highlands, having a pissing contest with a cow?" And she was winning. Finally, the damn thing gave me a snort and a “hmmmnnphff” and trotted off. 

By now, all I wanted was to get out of that god-forsaken field. So, off I go. I make it to the top of the rise. I can see the other side; the gate to my freedom. But, and I shit you not, in between me and that gate was the biggest bull on the aforementioned God's green earth. All I could think was “Are you shittin' me universe?” I stood there, frozen. 

I looked across the great expanse of the Scottish countryside which was littered with Mr. Bull's offspring. I looked back at the greatest bull of all time and sighed. He in turn looked up casually and gave me a look that said,

 “Human, you may pass.” And with that, he put his head down and continued to graze with his back to me. He then slowly, as in a fuckin' eternity, made his way down into the glen. Finally, it was time for me to make my great escape. Man, I hightailed it up outta there at a rate of speed that would have astounded you. And I am certain it impressed the cows.